Gone….but not forgotten….2010

December 31, 2010

2010…..what a year!!! As per usual, me and Ade have crammed so much into one year that i really don’t know where to start analysing the past year. There have been tears of both joy and sadness and so many good family moments that there are too many to mention in one Blog!!!

This year has been a bit of an eye-opener for me in more than one way and has made me realise just how lucky I am to be where I am today. My life could of so easily turned out to be completely different to the one that i am living today. To think that 2 and a half years ago I was still in the middle of a killing addiction with close friends worrying that I wouldn’t make another Christmas and then look at me today!!! A caring, loving partner, 2 beautiful children, a supportive family and some very good friends that support both myself and Ade in our daily lives. I am one very lucky girl!!! 🙂 Don’t get me wrong……my life with addiction is still a daily struggle but it does get easier to forget that I am an alcoholic in recovery and I will be until my dying day. I can now live a reasonably normal life without the daily worry that I will pick up that first drink. Before I used to make people close to me very aware of the fact that I am in recovery but to be honest with you, when i meet new people, that is the last thing on my mind to tell them nowadays. I want to tell them all about my wonderful family, how proud I am of my children, about the courses that i am doing and about how good my life actually is!! How times change!!!

Addiction still plays a HUGE part in my life, but rather than me being the one who needs the help and support, I am now able to offer that love and kindness out to the still suffering addict…..and this fills me with the greatest joy ever!! To know that people actually want to hear what I have got to say and that they regard my opinion as helpful is an amazing feeling. For so long I was a ‘nobody’ and to be able to say that I have turned my life around is the best feeling in the World. 🙂

I want to finish this post with a BIG ‘Thank you’ to everyone that has been there for me and my family over the past year (you know who you are!!!!). Without you all, my life wouldn’t be as much fun and filled with special moments that I will treasure forever. I hope the New Year will treat you all kindly and that all your dreams come true.

And finally to Ade……you are my World, my one true love, my best friend and everything in between….you make my life so special every day and I want to say a HUGE ‘Thank you’ for just being you!!! Don’t ever change babe….Love you soooooo much ❤

Me, mine and ours :)

April 7, 2010

I was reading through my old Blogs this morning and realised that I haven’t done a post since the beginning of January, so I thought I would take 10 minutes out and bring everyone up to date on the lives in the Lock household!!!

The last time I Blogged, Jenson was only just over a month old and not really doing much……How times change !! :). He is now a 5 month old bundle of bouncing fun, eating everything that is in sight and absorbing information like a sponge. Every day brings something new at the minute with Jenson. He is now starting to be very ‘vocal’ about everything and God forbid if he doesn’t receive  the required feedback from us !!!! He has to be on the go from the minute he opens his eyes in the (very early !!!) morning till when he is ready for bed. Don’t get me wrong……I wouldn’t change him for the World but it will be so much easier when he will actually sit and play without being surgically attached to my hip !!! lol 🙂

Me and Ade are still very much in love and enjoying settling into our new family home. We finished decorating Jensons nursery the other day and an outsider would of thought we had won the Lottery !!! There were hugs and tears (me….not Ade !!) and a real air of excitement in the Lock household. I think the main reasons for the ‘party atmosphere’ were that (1) We had accomplished yet another thing on our never ending list to do and (2) Me and Ade get our bedroom back !!! 😉  Just being able to lay in bed and chat without the threat of waking Jenson is such a refreshing change that even if we are both dog tired, we still put the World to rights before we crash !!

And last but by no means least…..Jake. We have just had the pleasure of spending yet another brilliant weekend with Jake. Him and Jenson are inseparable !!! Jake absolutely adores his baby bro and the feeling is doubled back from Jenson. If you now say to Jenson ‘Where’s Jake ?’, he gets so excited, kicking his legs and being vocal and he won’t settle till he lays eyes on Jake. Bless !!! :). Jake is making me a very proud Mum at the minute. He has got parents evening coming up at school when they go back after the Easter hols and Me and Ade have been invited to attend…….not bad considering Jake didn’t want anything more to do with me 2 years ago !! (due to my alcoholism). He is doing really well at school and is very proud of Me and what I have achieved in the last 2 years since being in recovery. I love him so much !!! 😉

So, there you have it……the long overdue update to Me and my lot. All in all we are just enjoying being a family……doing family stuff  !! It’s great just being able to enjoy the little things in life and knowing that it is all mine and Ade’s hard work and determination that has got us where we are today.

Life’s all good 🙂 xxxx

White vans, Gin and Tonic and Thomas the Tank Engine :)

January 15, 2010

I wasn’t planning on doing a Blog today but something happened this afternoon that I had to write about.  I know that if I go to bed with these thoughts going round and round inside my head…..I will never get to sleep (and as sleep is in short supply at the moment…..I won’t do anything to jeopardise what precious moments of dream time that I get!!!)

A clever person once quoted ‘You don’t know what you have got until it is gone’…….and how true that saying is !! This afternoon I came very close to losing 2 of the most precious things in my life….Ade and Jenson. This is what happened……This afternoon Myself, Ade and Jenson decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air (who am I kidding…..We wanted Jenson to go to sleep and the only place he settles at the minute is in his pram on the move !!!) We walked down to Ketts Hill roundabout and waited (at a pedestrian crossing) to cross over the road. All of a sudden, I heard a blast from someones car horn and I looked up to see two large white delivery vans heading straight towards my pram containing Jenson !! Ade, being the kind, loving, protective man that he is, tried to put himself in front of the vans as I could not manoeuver the pram out of the way. At the last minute, one of the vans hit their brakes and the other van swerved to avoid us. Neither of the drivers stopped to apologise as they were more concerned on getting the upper hand on the opposing driver and making it to the next set of traffic lights first !!!

We crossed over the road and then the shock hit me. I felt physically sick and I was shaking uncontrollably. We had all been so close to danger and at no fault of our own. The two drivers were both speeding and not looking at what the other road users were doing. This kind of behaviour makes me so bloody angry…….what is all the rush about ?? Whatever speed you go along Riverside Road, you are bound to get stopped at least once by the traffic lights. It was just thoughtless, immature, selfish attitudes that these delivery drivers had and it very nearly put my baby and my Husband-to-be in hospital….or worse !! 😦

At the end of the day, I know that I should now be sitting here thanking God (or whoever) that both of my men are cuddled up on the sofa downstairs reading Thomas the Tank Engine but my blood is still boiling. For (1) The stupidity of these men, and for (2) My first reaction after this happened was to tell Ade to buy me a Gin and Tonic out of the shop !! 😦 I really don’t think I would of drank the drink if he had of bought it….but the thing that I am dissapointed about is that the thought crossed my mind. I thought that my days of thinking alcohol would get rid of the pain had gone, but today has proved to me that the idea is still in my head….just laying dormant. 😦

The good news is that I haven’t drank on this occurance and I don’t plan to drink in the near future……but what today has taught me is to appreciate what you have got because one bad move and it can all be wiped out.

This Blog is dedicated to Ade, Jake and Jenson……without you, my life would be empty. You are my sun, moon and stars and everything in between.  I love you all with all my heart and will do until I close my eyes for the long sleep  xxxxxx

An Uphill Struggle :(

December 29, 2009

It still amazes me that life can be going exactly as you want it to…….and all it takes is one minor thing to really throw the ‘cat amongst the pigeons’ as they say.

Anyone that knows me will know that in the last year, my life has changed beyond recognition. I have got myself on the road to recovery from a nasty alcohol addiction, given birth to the most beautiful baby boy imaginable, found the man of my dreams and moved into my lovely little house in Norwich…………then why the hell am I so bloody unhappy at the moment ?? 😦

For the last couple of days I have felt this big black cloud starting to form over my head and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to shift it. No matter how much I talk about my feelings and how much sleep I get, I feel exhausted all the time, drained of happiness and the ‘black thoughts’ of my past are raising their ugly heads……….and this scares the shit out of me as I know how easily the black thoughts can become all consuming. 😦

Even my perfect relationship with Ade has started to show signs of collapse…..we are bickering over the slightest thing and I think that we have both started to realise that we can’t live in the ‘Honeymoon’ period for ever. Ade is now making noises about not being content with his life and that he wants more to make him feel fulfilled while my life at the moment just seems to be one continuous slog………making bottles, changing Jenson, washing up, cleaning the house…….ARRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggg.

I think what I need to realise is that life isn’t all sweetness and roses and that I need to lower my expectations of what  I think life is all about and about what I am going to get out of it.

For now I will just carry on with the hand that I have been dealt and hopefully in time, I can get back to being the happy-go-lucky person that started to make an appearance a year ago…………She’s in here somewhere……….just seems to have lost her way for a while…….but she will be back.

Time to Reflect……

December 21, 2009

It’s 5.30 in the morning (yes….I’m on night watch with Jenson!!) and as I had 10 minutes to myself, I thought I would do a quick Blog to bring everyone up to date.

Well, Jenson turned a month old yesterday – A whole month already – where does the time go? It doesn’t seem 5 minutes ago that I was waddling about Norwich feeling very uncomfortable and dreaming about wearing my skinny jeans (which by the way……I’m back into!!!!!). Me and Ade decided to go out to lunch at our local pub yesterday (yes….our local pub…..you can have a local and still stay sober you know?!!) and it was another magical outing as a family. We had a lovely roast sat in front of a blazing fire surrounded by people enjoying the Christmas spirit and to be honest with you…..there wasn’t a place on Earth I would of rather been. Jenson slept through the whole experience but just being together as a family was enough for me. It’s time like this that I thank my lucky stars that I am an addict in recovery, who ended up in Rehab in Norwich and just so happened to be in NORCAS that certain day when Ade walked into my life. 🙂

Me and Ade also celebrated our 1 year aniversary on the 15th of December. It amazes me that we have only been together a year – We have certainly accomplished a lot in one year. To think that just over a year ago, there was no ‘Ade and Tania’, no ‘Jenson’, no ‘Tigz’ and no ‘Gizmo’ (maybe not such a bad thing!!! – joke!!!) fills me with a big, empty feeling :(. Fate or a Higher Power bought me and Ade together and only World destruction will tear us apart. 🙂

I am going to finish this post now as the other man in my life (Jenson) is asking for his Mummys attention but I just want to finish this post with a BIG ‘Thank You’ to everyone that has been there for Me and Ade this year. Your support and kindness does not go un-noticed and I want to wish you all a you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy ‘Sober’ New year. 😉

…..and Jenson makes 3 !!!!

December 7, 2009

Anyone that knows me and Ade or follows our Blogs will already know that we have been blessed with the safe arrival of our perfect baby boy, Jenson. I just thought I would do a quick update to let everyone know what we are up to now that there is another little man in our lives.

Getting used to life with Jenson has been hard on both myself and Ade. Don’t get me wrong – we wouldn’t swap it for the world but it has hit us both pretty hard. As well as the total lack of decent sleep, both myself and Ade have had to totally re-evaluate our priorities. Gone are the days when we can slope off to bed in the afternoon for some ‘us’ time and lazy lay ins are now history but the good news is that we are coping really well with being the new parents of a demanding 2 week old without the need for alcohol, drugs or any other mind altering substances. 🙂

When I actually get 10 minutes to sit and think about what we have both achieved in the past year, it totally blows me away. We have both come so far and accomplished so much that I can’t help feeling very proud (and slightly smug !!!) for both of us. Even though I hate dwelling on the past, if I think back to 18 months ago, I can hardly believe it was me living that addiction fueled lifestyle. Every day used to be a living hell, finding ways to get enough alcohol to stay numb enough to survive the day and having people telling me that I wouldn’t survive another Christmas. Thank God those days are in my past and are firmly staying in my past. 🙂

In our relationship, both myself and Ade have come up against people that had no faith in us being a couple. There were always more reasons for us to not be together then reasons for us to follow our hearts and start a relationship. Well, I think that after the year that we have just had, we have proved all the doubters wrong !!! 😉 If anything, the trials of 2009 have just made us both stronger, both in our relationship and as individuals. A clever person once said “Love conquers all” and at this moment in time, I tend to agree with them. I really can’t think of a situation that we wouldn’t be able to deal with as long as we had our wonderful children and each other.

I know in time things will get easier with Jenson and me and Ade will get ‘our time’ again but at the minute, we will just have to grin and bear the sleepless nights and the unwanted baby advice. If we can beat alcoholism by ourselves…… I’m sure that parenthood will be a walk in the park “together”. 🙂  🙂

Big love to Ade as always and forever xxxxxxxx

Welcome to the World.

December 1, 2009

I haven’t been able to do a Blog for a while but I have got the best excuse ever……Jenson has arrived!!! 🙂

I won’t tell you all the gory details (you can read all that on Ade’s Blog!!!) but Jenson decided to make an early appearance last Sunday at 00:02. He was delivered by c-section and weighed in at 6lb8oz (not a bad size considering he was a month early). Jenson has got a full head of dark brown hair, deep blue eyes and looks like a miny Ade!! 🙂 Everything went really well and after a short spell in the Norwich University hospital, we were both allowed home.

Getting used to life with a new baby has been a challenge for myself, Ade and even for Jake. Gone are the days when we can decide last minute to go out to eat or to just pop into the City……now an outing has to be approached like a trek in Outer Mongolia!!! 😉 Its amazing how much stuff a little person needs and how long it takes to get  organized enough just to leave the house!!

The other thing that is causing problems at the moment is lack of sleep. Both myself and Ade do enjoy getting into bed at the end of a hard day but at the moment we both seem to be ‘sofa surfing’ and grabbing 40 winks when we can. Lets put it this way – there isn’t going to be a chance of Jenson having a younger brother or sister at this rate, as me and Ade haven’t actually been in bed at the same time since coming home from hospital!!! 😦 I am finding this really hard as I enjoy my quiet times laying in bed cuddling and talking about our lives together. I suppose this is a small price to pay for having our gorgeous baby boy.

I am going to leave this Blog short as I have got a grizzly baby wanting attention, bottles to make and if there is any time left……a wonderful partner that deserves some attention!!  🙂

Just want to say a BIG thank you to all our friends, family, extended family and all the staff at the Norwich University Hospital for all their help, support and kind words but most of all I want to thank Ade for everything he has done for me in the pregnancy and since Jenson’s arrival. I couldn’t of done it without you babe xxxxx 🙂

“It’s the final countdown”

November 16, 2009

Where does the time go ? It doesn’t seem like 8  months since I came running out of the bathroom waving 3 (yes….3…..I am a recovering addict, you know?) pregnancy tests, telling Ade that he was going to be a Daddy.

Last week was a week for good and bad news. The good news is that we now have a definite date for Jenson’s arrival. He will be making his debut appearance on the 4th December. He will be arriving by C-section due to complications with the placenta laying too close to my cervix but from the scan we had last week he looks very healthy and a good size and from the way he is pressing down on my bladder etc, I think he is more than ready to join us !! 🙂

The bad news is that there could be complications with the actual delivery of Jenson because the surgeon is basically going to have to deliver Jenson by cutting through the placenta which could turn out quite nasty for me. In extreme circumstances, women have had to have hysterectomy’s after this kind of surgery. When the doctor told me and Ade this, my mind went into over drive with the ‘what if’s….’  and the focus for a split second was taken away from the joy of knowing my baby’s date of birth. Panic set in and a lot of what the doctor said after this is a blur for me. My mind was totally focused on what could or might go wrong. Thank God Ade remained focused through-out the conversation and bought me up to speed when I had calmed down. At the end of the day, the main thing is that Jenson arrives safely and we can get on with starting our lives together as a family. 🙂

Jake has been staying with us this weekend and he is so excited about becoming a big brother. Every time he talks about Jenson, he gets this determined look in his eyes and I know that Jenson will want for nothing from where Jake is concerned. I think Jenson is going to have his own little body guard in Jake and woe betide anyone that upsets Jenson in any way !!! 😉

I just want to take this opportunity to thank everyone (especially Ade – the love of my life and my hero) for all the help and support they are giving me at this difficult time of my pregnancy. I know that I am being a hormonal cow bag at the moment but I really do appreciate all the support even if I don’t always show it.

I love you all xxxxxx

Me…..full of self pity…..NEVER !!!

November 2, 2009

Why, when life is going along quite smoothly, do I still have a feeling of inpending doom? At the moment I should be as happy as a child in a chocolate factory when in reality, I am feeling insecure, unhappy and totally pissed off with life in general.

At the moment both myself and Ade have come down with the dreaded flu bug and our house is not the happy place it should be. You can literally feel the illness bugs floating about attacking everything in their way :(. I am half expecting Tigz and Gizmo to start asking for Lemsip instead of their usual Whiskas in the morning !! I have also realised that as recovering addicts, both myself and Ade make lousy patients. We are forever comparing how shit we feel and trying to prove that each of us feels worse than the other – recipe for disaster or what ? People warned me that the honeymoon period wouldn’t last forever and how right they were !! It takes something like the flu to really bring out the ‘Poor me’ in both of us and I think that we are both starting to get on each others nerves. I suppose the good point in this rant is that we both haven’t picked up a drink (unless it contains paracetamol and lemon !!) and we are both still in the house – alive !! (we haven’t resulted to smothering each other – YET !!) 🙂

I think another thing that is adding to our frustration at the moment is my pregnancy. We both try and put a brave face on and say that we are enjoying the whole parents-to-be thing when in reality it is starting to become a chore now. I feel as big as a house, not able to sleep or eat and a fuse so short that I am snapping at anything that moves (just want to note – I love my cats really and I didn’t mean to shut them outside at 2 o’clock this morning !!!) 🙂 Ade even admitted yesterday that he was fed up with me being pregnant and hormonal. I think he wants the old Tania back and I tend to fully agree with him. I have decided that an impatient, recovering addict is not the best person to have to wait 9 months for a baby and I think that Jenson will not be having any younger brothers and sisters !! 🙂

Sorry that this post is short and a bit of a rant but my head won’t let me focus on anything positive at the moment and I’m hoping that by getting this moan out the way, the positive thoughts will start flowing !!! I think at the minute, I need to go back to the beginning of my recovery (AGAIN !!) and start taking things ‘a day at a time’. My head does still tend to run away with itself but I suppose thats one of the joys of being a recovering addict – I am always on the look-out for the next venture and tomorrow never comes quick enough. Its just one of the things that I need to learn to live with and as long as my quick thinking and quick acting doesn’t end up in a pub with a pint in my hand, I will be back to write another (hopefully more positive) Blog again soon. 🙂

My life…..my mistakes….MY PROBLEM !!!!

October 7, 2009

Anyone that has a history of substance mis-use will know that the road to recovery is a long and hard trek. You need help and support through-out and you do tend to lean on people who you trust more than normal. The problem that I am having at the minute is that some people just don’t know when to let go of the reins and let you venture forward without wrapping you up in cotton wool !!! 😦

At this present time in my life, I have numerous things going on that are rewarding but causing a lot of stress and sleepless nights. As well as being 30 weeks pregnant, me and Ade are about to move house into our very first family home. This is filling me with a great amount of happiness but also with a lot of worry. As with most things in our lives, nothing ever runs smoothly for me and Ade. First off, the house we wanted became unavailable after we had set our hearts on it, then we found another house that we wanted to rent but the keys are in London and the landlord can’t seem to get hold of them !! After threatening to take the front door off its hinges (Me hormonal….NEVER !!) the landlord has got a locksmith out to gain access for us but then we had the problem of no removal vans being available at a price we could afford. 😦 After much ringing around and numerous texts, we have found a friend that is willing to help us with his open backed truck for a reasonable price. The only problem now…….the weather forecast for the weekend is torrential rain and storms !!! 😦 Arrrrrggggggggg.

Another problem that we have come across in the last few days is that we have realised that certain people in our lives just don’t seem to know when to butt out !!!!! 😦 Don’t people realise that we have got enough stress in our lives at the moment without adding their 10 pence worth ? At the end of the day, both myself and Ade are at the age that we can do anything we want legally (smoke, have sex, get married etc) but certain people still think we need their guidance in whether or not the house that we love is right for us, Jake and our new baby !! I think Ade summed it up perfectly the other day by saying “Opinions are like arseholes….everyone has got one” !! 😉 Don’t get me wrong – we are both very open to constructive criticism but if you just want to have a go about stuff that really isn’t your problem……….we tend to ignore your calls !! 😉  😉

To top it all, as I have been venting my frustration in this Blog, a very dear friend of mine has phoned me and told me she has been in a car crash and broken her shoulder !! My heart really went out to her. Both my friend and her lovely husband work really hard for everything they have in life, whilst giving me and Ade all the help and support in the world,  and shit like this happens to her – It just doesn’t seem fair. The great thing is that we could still make each other laugh on the phone and we both know that we are there for each other even though we don’t see each other for months at a time. (Love you Lynne – Get better soon xxxxx) 🙂

Just want to end this post with a BIG ‘Thank you’ to my man Ade. I know that I go on about how wonderful he is all the time but He deserves all the praise I give and more. He puts up with all my moans and groans about pregnancy and all he gives in return is unconditional love. I am so proud that he is my parner and I can’t wait to start the next faze of our life together. Love you babe xxxxxxx 🙂