“It’s the final countdown”

Where does the time go ? It doesn’t seem like 8  months since I came running out of the bathroom waving 3 (yes….3…..I am a recovering addict, you know?) pregnancy tests, telling Ade that he was going to be a Daddy.

Last week was a week for good and bad news. The good news is that we now have a definite date for Jenson’s arrival. He will be making his debut appearance on the 4th December. He will be arriving by C-section due to complications with the placenta laying too close to my cervix but from the scan we had last week he looks very healthy and a good size and from the way he is pressing down on my bladder etc, I think he is more than ready to join us !!

The bad news is that there could be complications with the actual delivery of Jenson because the surgeon is basically going to have to deliver Jenson by cutting through the placenta which could turn out quite nasty for me. In extreme circumstances, women have had to have hysterectomy’s after this kind of surgery. When the doctor told me and Ade this, my mind went into over drive with the ‘what if’s….’  and the focus for a split second was taken away from the joy of knowing my baby’s date of birth. Panic set in and a lot of what the doctor said after this is a blur for me. My mind was totally focused on what could or might go wrong. Thank God Ade remained focused through-out the conversation and bought me up to speed when I had calmed down. At the end of the day, the main thing is that Jenson arrives safely and we can get on with starting our lives together as a family.

Jake has been staying with us this weekend and he is so excited about becoming a big brother. Every time he talks about Jenson, he gets this determined look in his eyes and I know that Jenson will want for nothing from where Jake is concerned. I think Jenson is going to have his own little body guard in Jake and woe betide anyone that upsets Jenson in any way !!!

I just want to take this opportunity to thank everyone (especially Ade – the love of my life and my hero) for all the help and support they are giving me at this difficult time of my pregnancy. I know that I am being a hormonal cow bag at the moment but I really do appreciate all the support even if I don’t always show it.

I love you all xxxxxx

Me…..full of self pity…..NEVER !!!

Why, when life is going along quite smoothly, do I still have a feeling of inpending doom? At the moment I should be as happy as a child in a chocolate factory when in reality, I am feeling insecure, unhappy and totally pissed off with life in general.

At the moment both myself and Ade have come down with the dreaded flu bug and our house is not the happy place it should be. You can literally feel the illness bugs floating about attacking everything in their way . I am half expecting Tigz and Gizmo to start asking for Lemsip instead of their usual Whiskas in the morning !! I have also realised that as recovering addicts, both myself and Ade make lousy patients. We are forever comparing how shit we feel and trying to prove that each of us feels worse than the other – recipe for disaster or what ? People warned me that the honeymoon period wouldn’t last forever and how right they were !! It takes something like the flu to really bring out the ‘Poor me’ in both of us and I think that we are both starting to get on each others nerves. I suppose the good point in this rant is that we both haven’t picked up a drink (unless it contains paracetamol and lemon !!) and we are both still in the house – alive !! (we haven’t resulted to smothering each other – YET !!)

I think another thing that is adding to our frustration at the moment is my pregnancy. We both try and put a brave face on and say that we are enjoying the whole parents-to-be thing when in reality it is starting to become a chore now. I feel as big as a house, not able to sleep or eat and a fuse so short that I am snapping at anything that moves (just want to note – I love my cats really and I didn’t mean to shut them outside at 2 o’clock this morning !!!) Ade even admitted yesterday that he was fed up with me being pregnant and hormonal. I think he wants the old Tania back and I tend to fully agree with him. I have decided that an impatient, recovering addict is not the best person to have to wait 9 months for a baby and I think that Jenson will not be having any younger brothers and sisters !!

Sorry that this post is short and a bit of a rant but my head won’t let me focus on anything positive at the moment and I’m hoping that by getting this moan out the way, the positive thoughts will start flowing !!! I think at the minute, I need to go back to the beginning of my recovery (AGAIN !!) and start taking things ‘a day at a time’. My head does still tend to run away with itself but I suppose thats one of the joys of being a recovering addict – I am always on the look-out for the next venture and tomorrow never comes quick enough. Its just one of the things that I need to learn to live with and as long as my quick thinking and quick acting doesn’t end up in a pub with a pint in my hand, I will be back to write another (hopefully more positive) Blog again soon.

My life…..my mistakes….MY PROBLEM !!!!

Anyone that has a history of substance mis-use will know that the road to recovery is a long and hard trek. You need help and support through-out and you do tend to lean on people who you trust more than normal. The problem that I am having at the minute is that some people just don’t know when to let go of the reins and let you venture forward without wrapping you up in cotton wool !!!

At this present time in my life, I have numerous things going on that are rewarding but causing a lot of stress and sleepless nights. As well as being 30 weeks pregnant, me and Ade are about to move house into our very first family home. This is filling me with a great amount of happiness but also with a lot of worry. As with most things in our lives, nothing ever runs smoothly for me and Ade. First off, the house we wanted became unavailable after we had set our hearts on it, then we found another house that we wanted to rent but the keys are in London and the landlord can’t seem to get hold of them !! After threatening to take the front door off its hinges (Me hormonal….NEVER !!) the landlord has got a locksmith out to gain access for us but then we had the problem of no removal vans being available at a price we could afford. After much ringing around and numerous texts, we have found a friend that is willing to help us with his open backed truck for a reasonable price. The only problem now…….the weather forecast for the weekend is torrential rain and storms !!! Arrrrrggggggggg.

Another problem that we have come across in the last few days is that we have realised that certain people in our lives just don’t seem to know when to butt out !!!!! Don’t people realise that we have got enough stress in our lives at the moment without adding their 10 pence worth ? At the end of the day, both myself and Ade are at the age that we can do anything we want legally (smoke, have sex, get married etc) but certain people still think we need their guidance in whether or not the house that we love is right for us, Jake and our new baby !! I think Ade summed it up perfectly the other day by saying “Opinions are like arseholes….everyone has got one” !! Don’t get me wrong – we are both very open to constructive criticism but if you just want to have a go about stuff that really isn’t your problem……….we tend to ignore your calls !!  

To top it all, as I have been venting my frustration in this Blog, a very dear friend of mine has phoned me and told me she has been in a car crash and broken her shoulder !! My heart really went out to her. Both my friend and her lovely husband work really hard for everything they have in life, whilst giving me and Ade all the help and support in the world,  and shit like this happens to her – It just doesn’t seem fair. The great thing is that we could still make each other laugh on the phone and we both know that we are there for each other even though we don’t see each other for months at a time. (Love you Lynne – Get better soon xxxxx)

Just want to end this post with a BIG ‘Thank you’ to my man Ade. I know that I go on about how wonderful he is all the time but He deserves all the praise I give and more. He puts up with all my moans and groans about pregnancy and all he gives in return is unconditional love. I am so proud that he is my parner and I can’t wait to start the next faze of our life together. Love you babe xxxxxxx

Princess20 bites back !!! :)

Do you ever have one of those days that you just want to crawl back into bed, pull the duvet over your head and say “I’m not doing today”? Well today has started off like that for me.

First off this morning, Gizmo (My ‘adorable’ kitten – that’s debatable at the moment!!!) decided to try and smother me at 5.00am because he wanted feeding. I still haven’t figured out how Ade has trained him to wake me and not him !! Normally I wouldn’t mind being woken up but last night I just couldn’t fall off to sleep and with a grand total of 4 hours sleep, I was not happy to see Gizmo this morning !! I had one of those nights last night that everything that I have been worrying about all re-appeared in my head at once. My first thought was to wake Ade and have a good old moan to him but being the ‘nice’ person that I am, I let him carry on sleeping and tried to deal with my head myself – BIG mistake !!

I think all of my worries started the other day when the realisation hit me that my baby was going to be here in under 12 weeks. Anyone that has been following my Blog will know that my situation at the minute isn’t exactly perfect for bringing a new baby into. Over the last few days I have been trying my hardest to get things in my shared house ready for the new arrival but it feels like I am fighting an up hill struggle. I clean the kitchen – it gets messed up, I wash the baby bedding – it gets covered in cigarette smoke, I bleach the bathroom – someone throws up and leaves it for all to see !!! I really am at the end of my tether. I know that getting stressed out is doing me and my baby no good but it is so hard to keep a level head when everyone else seems to not give a shit about anything.

Also I have had the thought of Christmas without Jake in my head for days. This is one occasion when Ade just doesn’t seem to realise how much this is hurting me. He keeps trying to tell me that Jake will understand if he doesn’t get his usual pile of presents but why should Jake have to put up with second best ? At the end of the day, I have always spoilt Jake at Christmas and just because I am due to have a baby shouldn’t mean that Jake has to lose out in any way. The thought of waking up Christmas morning without Jake (again !!)  is threatening to push me over the edge. There is no reason now that Jake shouldn’t be with me and I am fed up with waiting for the time to be right. At the end of the day, I have missed out on enough of Jakes life and I want him with me to share the arrival of our new baby.

At the end of the day, as you can probably see from this post, I am pretty pissed off with the way that things are going at the minute. I try my hardest to be a good Mum/Daughter/Partner/Friend but I never see any gain from being ‘nice’, so maybe its about time I toughened up a bit and started doing things that please me instead of trying to keep everyone else happy and content.

It is time for Tania to take control again……….and God help anyone that gets in my way !!!

A life of two halves.

Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I don’t do anything by halves but at the minute my life seems to be just that – in two halves !!! Some days I don’t know whether I am coming or going and my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. Just when things start to come together, some bastard puts something in the way to shatter my hopes and dreams and I end up having to pick up the pieces and start yet again.

Anyone who follows my blog (or my Facebook page) will know that myself and Ade are due to become parents in the next couple of months. Things have been hard throughout my pregnancy but I really thought the worst was behind us…….. famous last words or what ?!! Our house that we were waiting to move into has now fallen through. The tenants that are in ‘our’ house still haven’t found anywhere else to rent so are sitting tight and it looks as if we will be bringing our new baby back to the shared house that we are in at the minute. Don’t get me wrong – all of the people we share with are lovely but I need a space to call my own. I don’t want to be living out of half-packed cardboard boxes or having to bleach the kitchen before I can make my morning cuppa !!
Also in my shared house, there seem to be a lot of people dealing with addiction at the moment which makes life for me and Ade really hard at times. People would rather spend their money on crack/grass/hash then put electric on the meter !! Fair enough – I know what its like living with a raging habit but I always had respect for others and knew how to prioritise.

Also this week I had another of those ‘moments’ when my past came back and bit me on the bum !! Someone very close to myself and Ade happened to make a comment about my unborn baby and it hurt like hell. They said that maybe having a baby at the moment wasn’t the right thing to do and that we should of waited. I wanted to scream !!! Yes, I know that financially we aren’t the most stable and yes, our accommodation isn’t the ideal place for a baby but what about all the love and compassion we have to give to our child ? I already know that our baby will want for nothing, in both material things and in love. We are trying our hardest to get ready for this baby with no financial support from anyone (and with no emotional support 95% of the time !!) Why can’t people see the situation as it is without giving their useless advice and opinions ? We are a couple that are very much in love, both with a considerable amount of ‘clean’ time and with a focus of what we want in our lives. Our battle is a daily one and we really don’t need the likes of some people sticking their ten pence worth in where its not needed. My estimation of the said person has reduced dramatically (even though she has since apologised) but in my book, the fact that she said it is enough for me to doubt anything she now has to say. That may sound harsh but that’s just the way I work.

I now realise that me and Ade are the only ones that can make this situation any better (or worse !!) It’s all down to us to get things ready for our new arrival (with help from my son Jake of course !!) and we have got so much to prove to all of the doubters out there. The way that I am dealing with it at the moment is that we proved them wrong when we got together in recovery and we will prove them wrong again !! Nothing keeps me and Ade down for long – we just come back fighting harder than before with more determination. People say that an addict is one of the most stubborn people you will meet – well, we are both recovering addicts, and if you think you have seen stubborn – ‘you ain’t seen nothing yet’ !!

‘Patience’ – Whoever invented that word needs shooting!!! ;)

Isn’t it funny what you think about at 5 o’clock in the morning when you can’t sleep? I don’t know if it’s something personal for me but sometimes I wish I could just leave my head in another room and then I might be able to get some sleep.

Today has not started off well……..to be honest, this week has started off on a bit of a bum note. Tuesday of this week saw Jake return home to Bungay . After having him here with me for 5 weeks, I had got used to being back in the mum role again and got quite used to fishing about under his bed for washing, dirty plates etc.   Now I feel totally confused. I feel as if I don’t really have a role in life at the moment and it isn’t sitting well with me. I know a lot of people would think that my life was pretty charmed at the moment – expecting a baby, having a loving partner and due to move into a beautiful house but it just doesn’t seem right planning all of these things without my son Jake with me full time. I knew the day would come when I wanted him with me but I didn’t realise it would hit me this hard. It just seems as if I have done all the hard work for nothing. If it wasn’t for Jake, I would probably be laying in a gutter somewhere still in the madness of addiction. Basically, I got myself sober for him and I want him with me to see the benefits of having a sober mum.

I think Ade feels as lost as me now that Jake has gone. Yesterday he spent the entire day sorting out his computers – nothing new there I hear you say? but I could notice the difference in him. He was snappy and irratated at the slightest thing and it hurt me to see him like that. The thing with Ade is that, since I became pregnant, he trys to take the weight of the world on his shoulders so that I can remain stress free. This is great for me but I hate watching Ade go through it. He gets so frustrated that he can’t make everything perfect for us and that in turn worrys the life out of me. I sometimes get so frightened that the pressure will get too much for him and he will run straight back into the arms of alcohol . I know that he is a strong person but everyone has a breaking point, don’t they? I wish sometimes he would say ‘f#*k this, I’m going fishing!!’, and have some time to himself but knowing Ade he would sit on the river bank worrying about me, Jake, the baby etc !!! We can’t win

At the end of the day, I know that we have both got to be ‘patient’ (I HATE THAT WORD!!!!!). No amount of wishing will bring the house move nearer, the babies arrival nearer or Jake living with me any closer but sometimes I feel as if I have been waiting forever for my life to be perfect and it’s about time I got some kind of reward for all my hard work. Don’t get me wrong – being with Ade is one of the most perfect things that has happened in my life and I wouldn’t change it for the world but sometimes I think that we deserve the right to have things our way for once. As it is, every day brings new challenges for us and like Ade says “If we can’t find a way around our problems, we will go through the bastards and smash them to pieces” – God I love that man.

Clarity…..at last !!!!!

I have had one of those weeks when things that have been swirling around in my head have suddenly become very clear and real to me, and to be honest, a lot of these realisations have left me feeling very shell shocked to say the least.

I think one of the biggest things that I have realised is that it is time to forgive myself for what I put Jake and my family through in my active addiction days. I have been holding a lot of self hatred in for a very long time and to be honest, it has been affecting my day to day life and my relationships with others. I have found myself recently holding friends and family at arms length through no fault of their own. It’s as if I have been trying to punish myself for my past, not allowing myself to love or be loved because I believed that I didn’t deserve it. When I looked back over the last year, I realised that I have got a hell of a lot to be proud of myself for. I have managed to control my addiction to alcohol, put myself through an intense rehab, found myself somewhere to live, met the man of my dreams, rebuilt a relationship with Jake and to top it all……found myself expecting a much wanted baby. (Phew!!!) Not bad for a person that a lot of people thought would be dead by last christmas, is it? It’s time that I let the past stay in the past and move on with my life in the way that I want, leaving all the dis-believers in me, well behind me.

Also another thing that I have come to realise this week is that I haven’t lost my touch at being a full time Mum. Jake has been staying with me for just over 2 weeks and we have easily slipped back into the Mother/Son roles. I thought that there may be some conflict if we spent a serious amount of time together after quite a hefty break, but I was worrying over nothing. Jake was a pleasure to be with. I let him have his space and he behaved like an angel. I learnt that he was growing up fast and maybe it was time for me to stop calling him ‘my baby boy’!!!!!!! He really suprised me with how grown up he reacted to the whole ‘pregnancy’ thing. He kept telling me to rest up, made me cups of tea and also ’spoke’ to his baby brother on numerous occassions without being prompted!! It was lovely having my family all together and I think Ade got his real first taste as life as a ‘Daddy’ !! Jake and Ade couldn’t of been closer if they had tried and it was so good to see the 2 loves of my life spending time together and thoroughly enjoying each others company.

All in all I think this last week has done me a lot of good. I have had time to sit and contemplate ‘life on lifes terms’, and to be honest, it’s not as scary as it once used to seem. I like having a clear head, no hangover and a clear concience. My days of living with guilt and shame are now going to become my past and I am going to keep on proving the doubters wrong because I now realise……..”I AM SO WORTH IT” !!!!!!!!!

‘Good things come to those who wait’.

When I was in early recovery, so many people used to say that I had to be patient and good things would happen – but being the pesamistic addict that I am, I believed that I didn’t deserve anything good to happen and that my life was doomed – How wrong could I be?  :)

This last week has been one long whirlwind of good things. First we had our scan on Monday and I am pleased to say that our little bundle is growing at a hefty rate and is going to be a boy. Everything is fine with both myself and baby except for the fact that baby is a little on the large size and I may well have to have another c-section earlier than the expected delivery date but as long as our baby is healthy, this is a small price to pay. Myself and Ade had the pleasure of taking my son Jake and Ades Mum Judith along with us to the scan (Family outing or what!!!) and I don’t know who looked the most shocked out of the pair of them! Judith had to stop herself from crying (first sighting of her first Grandchild) and Jake was just mesmerised by the moving picture of his baby brother. It made the whole experience just that little bit more special for both myself and Ade. (Ades face lit up when the nurse said the baby was a boy – you could see Ade already planning the first fishing trip in his head .)

Also this week we have had the pleasure of Jakes company as it is the summer holidays. Jake was meant to be going home after the scan but a week later and he is still here!!!  It has been lovely being together as a family and Ade and Jake have really bonded. Me and Jake have had numerous ‘mother and son’ chats and we have both been able to be open and honest with each other, safe in the knowledge that there will be no come backs on what is discussed. One of the chats we have had bought up the subject of Jake and Ades relationship. Jake really surprised me by saying that He wished Ade was his proper Dad. This made me feel like the proudest Mum alive – Jake had come to this conclusion without any pushing from me and it just proved to me that I have got a well adjusted, thoughtful little boy (or should I say ‘young man’). I am so lucky  and I thank my Higher Power on a daily basis that Jake has given me this second (or is it third?…….but definately the last) chance to prove to him that I can be a proper Mum and that I don’t need alcohol in my life.

To finish off this week we decided on a ‘no expenses spared’ trip to Great Yarmouth. We couldn’t really afford it but what the hell – we deserve it!! I got both of the boys (!) wrist bands and set them loose on the Pleasure Beach. To be totally honest, I was as jealous as anything seeing them queue up for the fast rides (no chance of me sneaking on with my belly!!) but one look at their faces made my day complete. The amount of pleasure I felt seeing the two loves of my life enjoying themselves is beyond compare to any other feeling I have ever had and this made the day for me. (and going on the Ghost Train with Jake made me feel that little bit more included!!)

I really want to finish this post with a big ‘THANK YOU’ to both Ade and Jake. You made me feel like a princess and the proudest woman alive at Great Yarmouth and I love you both with all my heart xxxxx.

The ups and downs of being a Mum.

It has been a while since I have done a post so I thought as I have some spare time (A luxury for me !!) I would spend half an hour updating everyone on whats been happening in my life.

This week has been quite an unsettling one for me. I woke up feeling quite poorly on Monday and decided that a visit to the doctors was in order. To cut a long story short, the doctor took one look at me and told me to get myself to hospital for an emergency scan!! Panic set in immediately and I had basically doomed the scan before even arriving at the hospital!! All that was going through my head was that there was a problem with the baby and that I was about to receive bad news. Memories from my first pregnancy came back to haunt me and I felt like running for the hills. Anyone that knows me knows that I lost my first baby at around the same time (16 weeks) and this felt a little to close for comfort. After a long and tearful wait for the doctor, I got into the scan room and prepared myself for the worst. The good news is that my baby is very alive and kicking like a professional footballer!! . The feeling that hit me when I saw the babies heartbeat is one that will stay with me for a very long time. Unfortunately Ade missed seeing this scan due to circumstances beyond our control, but I am due my 20 week scan next Monday so he will see our ‘not so little’ bump in action.

Last weekend saw Norwich host its Lords Mayors Celebration and I had the pleasure of enjoying it with Ade and Jake (As well as my house mates and good friend, Chris). It was a whole weekend of fun and frolics and we all had a great time (And I have still got a sore throat from yelling at my friends on the floats!!) Saturday was spent as a family day with funfair and fireworks, which was great, but Sunday was a really special day for me too. Me and Ade spent the day listening to live music in Chapelfield Gardens, sitting on the grass with a picnic and just taking time out for us as a couple. There must of been close to 1000 people in the park that day but once again, Ade made me feel like the most important woman in the world!! I really thought that after 7 months together, the honeymoon period would of worn off but that is far from the truth. Ade makes me feel so happy and secure on a daily basis (A new feeling for me) and our relationship gets stronger as the days and weeks go by. He is going to make a wonderful Daddy to our baby………and hopefully an excellent husband to me next year!!

Watch this space.

Life’s ups and downs.

What a week !!! I thought that I had been through all the highs and lows that I could experience until this week but then things have a habit of appearing with no prior warning.

As anyone who is following my Blog will know, I am now 4 months pregnant. All of my pregnancy websites and books say that the second trimester is when you ‘bloom’. Well what I want to know is, ‘WHY AREN’T I?’. My skin is going heywire, my hair is falling out in handfuls and I can’t remember the last time I had a full nights sleep !! I know that this sounds like a total rant but I am so sick of not feeling like ‘me’ anymore.

Ade (bless him) is trying to be supportive but with his business course in full swing and his groups at NORCAS, I am feeling slightly neglected. We don’t seem to have any ‘us’ time except for when we get into bed at night, and then we are both knackered and too hot (We can’t have windows open at night time as Tigz likes to do an escape act !! ). Sometimes I just wish we could go back to the days of not having a computer, not having a kitten and just having us to worry about. Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon about the baby but instead of just being seen as a pregnant woman, I want to be noticed as ‘ME’ sometimes.

Enough of the rant……Something good that has happened this week is that a longtime friend of mine has got back in touch after nearly 5 years !! We lost contact when my addiction really took hold. She couldn’t handle seeing me slowly killing myself, so took a back seat and watched from afar, keeping in regular contact with my Mum but leaving me to sort things out. Since we last spoke her little boy (who I have known since birth) has started school and is reading and writing and she has had a little girl (16 months ago). It was lovely catching up with the gossip with her and she is coming to Great Yarmouth this weekend to see me and Jake and to meet Ade (The man who has been able to tame Tania – as Lynne put it ! !). I can’t wait to see her as I now feel that I have got a life that I can be proud of and that I want to share with her.

Hopefully the feelings that I have been having this week won’t last long as I start a few courses myself next week. This means I won’t have as much time to sit about and brood on things and more time to spend making myself feel like a valued human being again.

Nothing keeps the ‘New, Improved’ Tania down for long !!